Drawn to Darkness

I’d like to think I have a sunny, bright, happy personality. I love happy things! And I recognize the same brightness reflected in my one year old daughter’s eyes every time she gives me one of her thousand-watt smiles. But there’s some part of me, and I think all of us to some extent, that is drawn to the darkness. There’s something captivating about pain; the brooding, sensual, raw edge of it calls to our softest, sweetest, most vulnerable parts. Having lived through some remarkably bad decisions, I’m still drawn to it, but not in the way that I used to be.

Now, I just write it into my characters. The more flawed and human and damaged they are, the more they compel me. The struggles they endure begin to dictate the direction of the story. I’m finally getting my writing legs back, and it feels good to muddle about the shadows again.

Really, all of this is to say that “The City” is back on track for a July release! I’d give a description of the story, but it’s evolving so quickly in the rewriting process that I won’t try to pin April (our heroine) down (even if she might like that sort of thing). Suffice to say this is still a story of love lost in the apocalypse, a story of journey, of redemption, and self-discovery. It’s a lot to stick into a novella.

More updates to come!

Free Halloween Short Story: The Man in White

Yay! It’s Halloween! Almost, anyway. Your treat this year is the winner of last year’s Scheherazade literary magazine’s Halloween short story contest, The Man in White. Go download it today while it’s still free!!

“I’ve never been as close to death as the night I met the man in white. It began when I ventured onto that exit, where the side roads cut through the green foothills; a welcome break from the endless grey highway.”

I'm a bad blogger (and other motherhood things)

Truly. I am a bad blogger. But I am here! And somehow, still writing (if slowly). The last eight months have been utterly life-altering. I’m a new mom and we’ve moved! These are both good things, but I’m left feeling a little …unsteady, perhaps, when it comes to picking up where I left off.

I’m finding that it’s hard to write when your whole world view has changed. Ironically, one of the characters I’ve been having the most trouble working on is a mother. You’d think having my first child would get the writing to flow from my fingertips. But instead it’s ripped me out of place and the first three chapters I’ve written are all wrong. And maybe it’s because I was imagining what motherhood would be like for so long that this character strikes me as inauthentic. And if I can’t relate to her because she isn’t real enough, then neither will anyone else.

Ah, yes. This. This is why I blog. Writing inspires… more writing!

As the dust settles around our new “normal” life, I solemnly swear I will find time to develop my characters. Look for more updates on Book 3 of In Caves & Catacombs: The City, coming soon! And if you need some light Halloween reading, check out The Man in White, a spooky short story now available for pre-order on Amazon.

Wizards in Winter is available now!

I'm excited to announce that Wizards in Winter is now available to download on Amazon Kindle! Curl up this winter with a Christmas-themed fairy tale that will awaken your sense of adventure as much as it will warm your heart.

In this story, Enoch the Red Wizard sets off into an enchanted wood on Christmas Eve, just as the worst blizzard in memory descends. Join him as he embarks on a series of quests for the denizens of the wood, in the hopes that he can create a truly magical gift for one special boy in the nearby village of Derrydol.

“Those in his youth had been happy days, and it stirred Enoch’s ancient heart to see Toby running for a long-fallen branch of oak alive with a thousand resting butterflies. At that great moment on Midsummer when Toby sent them scattering in all directions under the sun, he also awakened and scattered the sleepy butterflies of Enoch’s own memories.”

— Wizards in Winter

I thought I was a gamer

I came to a conclusion about my identity the other day that was a bit surprising. I've always considered myself to be a gamer. A gamer "light", if you will. I started with my first Gameboy in the 90s, and continued with early Apple computer games (Lode Runner, especially), and then progressed to the life-changing Nintendo 64 (Zelda, what what!).

After that, I started playing games like Age of Empires, where I could design and explore my own kingdoms, or Petz, which allowed me to create my own cat and dog breeds and customize my own "house" (backgrounds where the animals romped around, in essence). But what really lit my 14-year-old fire was my introduction to online role-playing games with "Vampires! The Dark Alleyway".

"Vampires!" was very basic mechanically: I'd click these dark squares to "move" through the city, clicking white underlined text to drink the blood of humans or other vampires I encountered. But where the game came to life was across Yahoo group forums, where self-proclaimed "clans" of vampires would write pages and pages describing their movements around the city, envisioning their characters and locations, and detailing their interactions that other players could then play off of, adding to the script. There were wars, marriages, clan raids, vendettas... and I continued seeking out games like that, ending up in SecondLife, where you can be anything, meet anyone, travel anywhere.

I thought all of that made me a gamer. That, and Grand Theft Auto and Halo and Guitar Hero and Archeage and other WoW-style MMORPGs (and too many other games to list). But I've come to realize that the games that most captured my attention were the ones that allowed me creative freedom. The bigger the world, the more invested I became in my adopted identity. And it wasn't because I'm a gamer by nature. It's because I'm a writer. And that identity has always felt too big, too lofty to aspire to.

I'm beginning to come around and accept my identity as a writer. The more I put down the games, the more I focus on honing my craft, and fitting into that role. The same inspiration that made me click that white, underlined "drink" button, the same imagination that allowed me to visualize the human brought to their knees in front of me, that's what fuels my writing.

Identities change. And it's very rewarding to find yourself proud of your identity when you finally realize it fits.

Progress

Me, trying desperately to slog through the waves at a reasonable pace

So. I weirdly feel accountable for reporting my writing progress when I blog. Which is probably why I haven't posted in a little over a month. Between professional development classes, working, and other exciting personal life developments, it feels like I'm trying to run in water! But here's my progress report anyway, dear readers:

• The first full length novel draft of Out of the Efrenen Sea (working title), is complete at over 80,000 words. I'll be workshopping it all fall and winter, and then begin sending it out to agents/publishers. 
• The third book in the In Caves & Catacombs short story series is in progress! The City is coming along, and I'd estimate I'm about a third of the way through the first draft. It's been a delightful project so far. I'm a sucker for a good romance, especially in doomsday scenarios. It sounds weird, and it is. I won't apologize for it.

So there. There's my progress report. It's happening... slowly. But it's happening!!

Crossing Genres

I've been slowly working my way through Book 3 of "In Caves & Catacombs", and my characters have developed... feelings. It's strange, when a book takes on a life of its own. That neat little outline that I wrote begins to expand and contract, breaking its constraints to become something entirely different. In the case of "The City", it has evolved from a post-apocalyptic solo through the remains of Southern California to a team effort. I dare say it's becoming a bit of a romance.

Romances are hard for me to write. Not because I don't enjoy writing them, because I do. I love a good romance! But writing one is difficult because there are so many elements inspired from my personal life. Many of my characters in my writing are rather obviously inspired by my friends and family. That red-headed mermaid in Out of the Efrenen Sea? Yeah, that's me. Well--she used to be me, anyway, before she deepened enough to be a character entirely separate from my being.

You see, if I strictly wrote about myself or the other folks that inspire my characters, it wouldn't be weird. I wouldn't be paranoid about it, because truth be told, I'm a rather boring person in real life (except for the mermaid tail, but that's another story for another blog post).

My characters, on the other hand, are decidedly less boring. And when the fictional characters start to make their own decisions, I start to worry about the way their inspiration might be perceived. In my head, they become unique and completely detached from their original inspiration. But do my friends and family know that? Or are they seeing me linger in a description about the connection between April and Will, wondering if that's how my husband and I speak or interact?

To move forward, I've had to stop worrying about what people will think. There's no time for insecurity when there's a story to be told.

It's like a romantic stroll through the snow, but with fallout.

You like free stuff, right?

...Because The Grave is completely free to download until Tuesday (May 22nd) starting tonight at midnight! And YES you can read The Grave before you read The Boat (book 1)!

The Grave is more of a novella than a short story, and it follows Damian, an Iraq veteran and his dog, Wolf, who have been living on the streets of Oceanside in northern California. When the viral outbreak hits their town, they must survive not only the infection, but the nuclear fallout after the majority of the town gets evacuated. This second installment is an indirect sequel to The Boat, and allows readers to experience the apocalypse from a new perspective, while setting the stage for the most exciting chapter yet in the In Caves & Catacombs short story series. 

More announcements will come soon about Book 3! To get details about upcoming releases, appearances and book signings emailed directly to your inbox, sign up for the monthly newsletter now!

A twist of the knife

"The Grave" has changed the entire direction of the "In Caves & Catacombs" series, and I love it. But the more you love something, the more frightened you are of it, for it, by it. It scares me because it's dark, but is it dark enough? Does it honor the veteran experience enough? Does it honor the struggle of being homeless enough? Is it, in and of itself, enough?

I'm afraid the truth is that it isn't enough. I fear that I haven't done it justice, and that bothers me. There's that twinge of regret, that twist of the knife, that if I held onto it longer, if I worked it more, that it could be so much better. The same goes for "The Boat", and the same will go for the next three or four installments in the series. Hell, the same thing will happen to the Efrenen Sea series. I could hold onto it for ten more years. Perfect it. Coddle it. Shield it from the light and critics alike. But it'll only make me fear it more. And I'm the most afraid of letting the fear hold me back from accomplishing all the things I want to accomplish.

Now that I've said it, it gives me peace. Because nothing I write is ever going to be good enough, and that's okay. My husband tells me that I'm too hard on myself, and he's right. I push and push because I feel like I don't measure up. But that's good, in some ways. Because that's what motivates me to keep going. I don't expect anything big to happen. I don't expect to be able to quit my day job to write full time. What I want from this venture is for people to read what I produce and to enjoy it. It's so simple--I just want to entertain you. And there's a darkness in that, all my own.

Bo Burnham hits the anguish of it absolutely perfectly... hang with this all the way through to the end (it really happens around the five minute mark, but seriously, watch the whole thing), and you'll see the connection: 

Full show available on NETFLIX.

I don't think I can handle this right now, either. So I'm going to go back to writing the third installment, God help me.